freddyscomingforyou: (pic#8435679)
Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you.

I hate that I still love her, because she's leaving, and I can't have her

I hate that I still love her , because she's taken, and probably going to marry her current GF

I hate that I love him, because he's poly, and I can't get over that. 

I hate that she loves me, because I can't love her back, and it makes being best friends awkward. 

I have that I don't want to be here anymore, because I feel alone, and often forgotten by people, but I can't run away anymore. 

I hate that I feel like I don't belong anywhere. 

I hate.

freddyscomingforyou: (Default)
 Those moments when you're finally alone, and you can just break down and cry - are some of the most needed moments in a person's life.
freddyscomingforyou: (Default)
 This week has not been at all what I expected it to be. I was excited for GISHWHES - because there's usually a bunch of fun items and things to do, and I get to hang out with people and get out of my comfort zone. Sure, some of the items were fun, and gave me something to do, and I got out of my house this week, but for the most part, I haven't had my heart in it. The way everything has been going, it just feels like we're trying so hard to get things done, and it's just... a waste of time and energy. I don't know what it is, it's hard to explain, but I'm just not having any fun this year, at all, and honestly cannot wait until it's over. 

The waking up between 7-8am, going to bed between 12-2 am, and having horrible sleeps when I do get to sleep, it's not good for my body. Adding to that, emotionally, I've been in the worst state this week, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. 

Having had to deal with racist, homophobic, sexist comments from family members, (for an entire weekend, I might add), and being told I 'make a horrible boy' because I'm not into fishing, or going to the rodeo in some small town, or gutting fish. And because I keep myself groomed, and shave, and how I give a shit about my hair. Because apparently, all those things are only associated with female-identified people, and couldn't possibly be part of someone who identifies as male. 
Then going to a week where my sleep is fucked, so I'm always tired, and I'm thinking way too much. Realizing that someone I love, one of the few people I could actually see me spending the rest of my life with, (though I fucked up enough times that I'd never deserve it), that I won't have her. I mean, I'm fine, it's alright, she's happy, it just hit me this week, and made me feel really alone. I could be surrounded by people, friends everywhere, and yet, I'd still feel completely alone.

Dysphoria has been incredibly high this week as well. Adding little sleep, GISHWHES, work, and all this emotional shit, it's been a really tough week, and I'm honestly very excited that it's almost over. 

One more week until I'm on vacation. Until I'm away from people calling me 'she/her'  at work, (both coworkers and customers), and to being with just friends, going on vacation, and having time to myself, to relax, before school starts.

I'm almost there. 

I can do this.
freddyscomingforyou: (Default)
 Seriously? This fucking sucks. 

Going on facebook and having it ruin your mood for the entire day is so not cool. Seeing my supposed best friend, who never talks to me, is talking to my sister. I am getting so done with this shit. 

She doesn't tell me her wedding is postponed, when I was supposed to plan the Bachelor party. 
She doesn't say hi, never texts me.

Seriously. 95% sure she's replaced me. I'm so done. 

This just ruined my fucking mood. My fucking day. 

Fuck this shit. 

 

freddyscomingforyou: (Balthy)
 I cannot wait until I have my space again. I love him, I do. He's one of my best friends, but seriously. I can't share my space much longer.
His shit is everywhere, his girlfriend comes over a lot. He complains when I watch TV during the day, (though he can play video games all day for like a week and I can't say shit.) I just...really need my space back. I'm getting sick of sharing everything.  I want to be alone again.

freddyscomingforyou: (Balthy)
 Why is it that there are so many people in my life that I really dislike and am so easily annoyed by?

Epiphany

May. 25th, 2014 07:44 pm
freddyscomingforyou: (Default)
 You know those moments when you have an epiphany? When you have that sudden realization about something in your life that you've been wondering about for years. Not to do with sexual orientation, or gender identity, or even who your friends are, or what you're going to do with your career, but about something that tends to mean so much more to so many people, something that's important to who they are, where they go. Something they really make a big deal about, and how it's something they need in their lives. 

Love

Love is a thing that so many people want, something they hope to find one day, and hope that they will have forever once they find that perfect person. It's that one thing that people strive for: true love. Having their soul meet with another soul, someone they can be with forever, someone they can love forever. 

The more I think about it - the more I realize that I'm not going to be that person. I'm not going to find true love, I'm not going to give my soul away to someone more than I ever have before. I've loved many people, and even thought I was in love a few times. And sure, maybe in that moment, I had convinced myself that I was, but in actuality.... I don't think I ever have.

I'm not the kind of person who can just give my heart to someone, or open myself up completely and share everything with them. Not in the way that lovers are supposed to be. With my friends, sure, I can be super open with them, and I can love them, and hell, I can spend a ton of time around them, but real love. The romantic, sexual, winner-takes-all, complete-and-total give yourself to them kind of love - it just really isn't my thing.

I like being my own person, I like falling asleep alone and waking up alone. I like that things are mine and mine alone. I like that I don't have to rely on someone. That I don't have to put my life on hold or change my plans for anyone. That I don't have to bring someone with me, or focus on more people than just myself. I'll help my friends when they need me, and I'll help my family when they need me too, but a significant other - I think I only ever want one because everyone else has one. 

Whenever I see others in a relationship, especially when I'm around them, I wonder what it would feel like, I wonder what it would do to me to be that happy in a relationship. And yet, whenever I'm in one, whenever I have someone, I get bored, I get tired of them, and I don't want to be around them, because it starts to be a relationship, it starts to be about sharing things, living together, your future together - and then it gets scary. I don't want to live with someone. I don't want to have a relationship. I don't want to get married. I don't want anything like that. I want... a loft, a dog, and a career where I get to travel and study people and cultures. I don't want a family, kids, a house with a white-picket fence - that 'Apple Pie Life' that so many people crave, it is so not even on my radar. 

I'm an outcast, I'm weird, and I'm probably one in a million in this, but hey, I am who I am, and that's all that I can be. 

freddyscomingforyou: (Default)
 Seriously.
My one roommate I think has an addiction to video games.



freddyscomingforyou: (Default)
 Those moments when you realize that the decision you recently made, one that you knew was the best for you, makes even more sense than it did before. You spend days upon days trying to figure out if this big decision is a good decision, trying to figure out if this is the right decision. You talk it out, think it over, talk it out some more, and finally make that decision. Sure, the decision could make you feel like shit in the end, or even while you're making it happen, or even before, but you know in the end it was the right  thing to do. Then you question yourself, because after the decision is made, you see the aftermath, you see what it did to that person, and it hurts you, and makes you just want to scream, and probably punch something, and nothing can make it better, or so you think. Then, you spend time with people who break your funk, do something that takes your mind off it and that brings you joy, and you forget about how bad you feel for a little while. 

The next day, you wake up, and you remember the dream(s) you had, you remember who and  what they were about, and then you realize, you remember, that this isn't the first time in the past couple of months of you've had mornings like this, or dreams like this, about these people. This brings up the realization that, in fact, your decision was definitely in the right. 

However, as you think about these dreams, of these people you know personally, and some almost intimately, and you wonder, if you are attracted to them, or it's just your brain confusing you. You know some of them, it would never happen, and it's just weird that they're even included in there, but others... others are ones you know you would totally do it with, and want to do it with, but doubt it'll ever happen. Then there's the few you have done it with, and it's just your brain reminding you of that. And last, there's the ones you haven't done it with, have thought about it before, and it could actually happen, but you're too scared to let it happen, because every time you make a commitment, you know, deep down, something about it is wrong to you. 

This leaves you lost, confused, and most of all, alone. 

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freddyscomingforyou: (Default)Aiden Kirk

December 2014

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