May. 25th, 2014


May. 25th, 2014 07:44 pm
freddyscomingforyou: (Default)
 You know those moments when you have an epiphany? When you have that sudden realization about something in your life that you've been wondering about for years. Not to do with sexual orientation, or gender identity, or even who your friends are, or what you're going to do with your career, but about something that tends to mean so much more to so many people, something that's important to who they are, where they go. Something they really make a big deal about, and how it's something they need in their lives. 


Love is a thing that so many people want, something they hope to find one day, and hope that they will have forever once they find that perfect person. It's that one thing that people strive for: true love. Having their soul meet with another soul, someone they can be with forever, someone they can love forever. 

The more I think about it - the more I realize that I'm not going to be that person. I'm not going to find true love, I'm not going to give my soul away to someone more than I ever have before. I've loved many people, and even thought I was in love a few times. And sure, maybe in that moment, I had convinced myself that I was, but in actuality.... I don't think I ever have.

I'm not the kind of person who can just give my heart to someone, or open myself up completely and share everything with them. Not in the way that lovers are supposed to be. With my friends, sure, I can be super open with them, and I can love them, and hell, I can spend a ton of time around them, but real love. The romantic, sexual, winner-takes-all, complete-and-total give yourself to them kind of love - it just really isn't my thing.

I like being my own person, I like falling asleep alone and waking up alone. I like that things are mine and mine alone. I like that I don't have to rely on someone. That I don't have to put my life on hold or change my plans for anyone. That I don't have to bring someone with me, or focus on more people than just myself. I'll help my friends when they need me, and I'll help my family when they need me too, but a significant other - I think I only ever want one because everyone else has one. 

Whenever I see others in a relationship, especially when I'm around them, I wonder what it would feel like, I wonder what it would do to me to be that happy in a relationship. And yet, whenever I'm in one, whenever I have someone, I get bored, I get tired of them, and I don't want to be around them, because it starts to be a relationship, it starts to be about sharing things, living together, your future together - and then it gets scary. I don't want to live with someone. I don't want to have a relationship. I don't want to get married. I don't want anything like that. I want... a loft, a dog, and a career where I get to travel and study people and cultures. I don't want a family, kids, a house with a white-picket fence - that 'Apple Pie Life' that so many people crave, it is so not even on my radar. 

I'm an outcast, I'm weird, and I'm probably one in a million in this, but hey, I am who I am, and that's all that I can be. 


freddyscomingforyou: (Default)Aiden Kirk

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