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Aug. 8th, 2014 02:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
freddyscomingforyou This week has not been at all what I expected it to be. I was excited for GISHWHES - because there's usually a bunch of fun items and things to do, and I get to hang out with people and get out of my comfort zone. Sure, some of the items were fun, and gave me something to do, and I got out of my house this week, but for the most part, I haven't had my heart in it. The way everything has been going, it just feels like we're trying so hard to get things done, and it's just... a waste of time and energy. I don't know what it is, it's hard to explain, but I'm just not having any fun this year, at all, and honestly cannot wait until it's over.
The waking up between 7-8am, going to bed between 12-2 am, and having horrible sleeps when I do get to sleep, it's not good for my body. Adding to that, emotionally, I've been in the worst state this week, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Having had to deal with racist, homophobic, sexist comments from family members, (for an entire weekend, I might add), and being told I 'make a horrible boy' because I'm not into fishing, or going to the rodeo in some small town, or gutting fish. And because I keep myself groomed, and shave, and how I give a shit about my hair. Because apparently, all those things are only associated with female-identified people, and couldn't possibly be part of someone who identifies as male.
Then going to a week where my sleep is fucked, so I'm always tired, and I'm thinking way too much. Realizing that someone I love, one of the few people I could actually see me spending the rest of my life with, (though I fucked up enough times that I'd never deserve it), that I won't have her. I mean, I'm fine, it's alright, she's happy, it just hit me this week, and made me feel really alone. I could be surrounded by people, friends everywhere, and yet, I'd still feel completely alone.
Dysphoria has been incredibly high this week as well. Adding little sleep, GISHWHES, work, and all this emotional shit, it's been a really tough week, and I'm honestly very excited that it's almost over.
One more week until I'm on vacation. Until I'm away from people calling me 'she/her' at work, (both coworkers and customers), and to being with just friends, going on vacation, and having time to myself, to relax, before school starts.
I'm almost there.
I can do this.
The waking up between 7-8am, going to bed between 12-2 am, and having horrible sleeps when I do get to sleep, it's not good for my body. Adding to that, emotionally, I've been in the worst state this week, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Having had to deal with racist, homophobic, sexist comments from family members, (for an entire weekend, I might add), and being told I 'make a horrible boy' because I'm not into fishing, or going to the rodeo in some small town, or gutting fish. And because I keep myself groomed, and shave, and how I give a shit about my hair. Because apparently, all those things are only associated with female-identified people, and couldn't possibly be part of someone who identifies as male.
Then going to a week where my sleep is fucked, so I'm always tired, and I'm thinking way too much. Realizing that someone I love, one of the few people I could actually see me spending the rest of my life with, (though I fucked up enough times that I'd never deserve it), that I won't have her. I mean, I'm fine, it's alright, she's happy, it just hit me this week, and made me feel really alone. I could be surrounded by people, friends everywhere, and yet, I'd still feel completely alone.
Dysphoria has been incredibly high this week as well. Adding little sleep, GISHWHES, work, and all this emotional shit, it's been a really tough week, and I'm honestly very excited that it's almost over.
One more week until I'm on vacation. Until I'm away from people calling me 'she/her' at work, (both coworkers and customers), and to being with just friends, going on vacation, and having time to myself, to relax, before school starts.
I'm almost there.
I can do this.
